I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
