I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
