Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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