Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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