Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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