Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I deserve this hangover.
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