I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
