Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
