I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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