Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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