We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
