i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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