i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
