I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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