Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
