So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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