Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
