When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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