I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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