btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
