so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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