those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
4 words: hood of his car
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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