I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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