she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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