I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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