Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
