i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
