She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
