There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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