Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
