Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
