come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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