it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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