If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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