Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
