why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
