You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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