That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
