No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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