if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
