ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
