she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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