Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
