Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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