We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
