lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
