My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
