She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
