mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
