Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
