"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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