i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
