I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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