You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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