my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
