you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
