please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
